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Sending love to Mo….

Send her some love today

I watched Harry Potter 7 part 2 – go me!

It’s the small things

the latest appointment at the RPL clinic was a mixture of annoying, anger inducing and at least a positive move in a direction resembling forward

the doctor started off by not making eye contact and saying “right, are you pregnant?”

I said, “no I’m not”.  What I felt like saying was, “I’m seeing my 4th doctor at the Recurrent Pregnancy Loss clinic for discussions on heparin…what the eff do you think?”

so apparently I don’t fit the “typical” case study and meet the strict criteria (a fact she must have mentioned at least 10 times and I am NOT exaggerating even though you know I am prone to do so) they are going to treat me with Heparin anyway.  She sees “lots of women like me” (poor souls) and as heparin doesn’t hurt the baby she sees no reason not to treat me with it and if anyone tells me that it does hurt the baby she “will refute that unequivocally”.  You have been warned!  So, even though she asked if I was pregnant, took a phone call during our appointment, had no clue about any of my history and made me go through the whole thing again and FLIRTED with my husband she did say that she would treat me “even though I don’t meet the strict clinical criteria” so…there is that.  Small things to be grateful for.

Many apologies for my big giant fail at November IComLeavWe

Much gratitude for all your support during this tough time.  The kindness from strangers sustains me.

Will write more soon.

xox

I am still waiting to hear of my blood test results regarding lupus anti-coagulant.  If it is a positive for the second time the Dr. at the RPL clinic has said I should go on heparin if I do manage to get pregnant. However, don’t try to get pregnant yet until we get the results of the blood test.  There goes another cycle.  I’m not monitoring for ovulation this cycle because:

a) I just don’t have it in me

b) I just don’t have it in me

c) I can’t get the energy to test

Realistically, if my lupus anti-coagulant test is negative I’m not sure what to do.  The doctor said to just try again and hope nothing goes wrong.  If it does go wrong, they test the fetus and it’s normal, then they’d put me on heparin.  I hope I don’t have to go through all that however, heparin doesn’t feel like the answer and I’m pretty sure the blood test is going to come back negative and then what…….? IUI again and hope it works?  Do I feel like getting pregnant a fifth time with no clear answers and putting my heart through all that again?

Where did I go?  Where have I gone?  My energy for this is going away.  I haven’t gone to acupuncture, I still drink a cup of coffee, I haven’t changed my diet, I’m not monitoring my temperature, I’ve avoided blogging and reading about infertility for the last 3 weeks.  I’m crawling into my shell and not sure how to come out.  We were watching Amazing Race and they went to Legoland in Denmark and J said, “I wouldn’t want to go there, but I’d take the kids” my heart literally flipped and cracked in my chest and all my tightly held pain came oozing out my fingernails.

What did I do? Made a cup of tea.

Let me know!!

Dear Jane-Marie:

This is really going to annoy your 16-year-old self but I’m going to quote a piece of advice from Dad….”don’t wish your life away”  He said this to you when you were 15 and wishing you were 16 and could get your driver’s license.  It’s good advice, take it to heart (Dear 35-year-old self, this advice is for you too).

The things that you want to happen will eventually happen.

Don’t worry so much

Kissing boys isn’t the be all end all

Think more about your career, education and what you want out of life.  Go to a main stream school.  Get a degree in something that doesn’t overly limit your career options. 

Save more money

Eat more food so your metabolism doesn’t slow down in your late 20′s

Believe in yourself and your abilities.  Don’t worry so much about what others think.  Choose good quality friends.

Don’t be afraid to try new things

Don’t worry so much, I like you and that’s all that matters

Love yourself.

Love,

Yourself

Here’s one answer.

The other would be to:

• Ensure it’s evening time (so it’s sufficiently dark inside and no natural light “assists”)
• Be at home with your spouse/significant other or lover (said with an accent….”lovahhhhhhhhh!”)
• silently stop what you are doing, get up, quickly turn off all the lights
• your lovahhhhhh will wonder, “what the eff is going on”
• hide
• J has played this game before so he knows not to turn on the lights (that’s cheating)
• try to scare the shit out of the other person by jumping out from behind a door or crawl along the floor and grab their ankle
• laugh hysterically
• repeat as necessary

went to the fertility doctor yesterday. honestly, i don’t even know what to say….

the short story is that i didn’t ovulate this cycle and they couldn’t date my endometrial biopsy test due to the lack of estrogen. may have to retest. our RE says the plan is still to wait for the RPL appointment and get the “all clear” and keep trying…either IUI, superovulation or IVF. roll on november 16th.

On another note, we went to see the Foo Fighters last night….talking about effing fantastic. it was great to go out and just participate in life and be together doing something. who goes to a rock concert on a tuesday night though? working 50-60hours/week is not overly conducive to staying out on a school night past 9 PM. I’m too old for this shit. oh wait, Dave Grohl is 42…yikes. they played a 3 hour set and he did 4 acoustic songs and it was just a really great time. am SO tired

i’ve had a fairly successful week at work which is good but SO tiring as well.

overall, i just don’t know where i’m at or what i want and how that translates into our family

but that’s ok for now because Dave Grohl is a sexy beast.