bad news bears


BFN again today.  oh well

weird though as I found another test under my bathroom sink last night and tried it and it too had a faint positive.  so I’ve taken 4 tests in total

1st – faint faint positive friday night

2nd faint faint faint positive if you held it up to a certain light but mostly negative saturday morning

3rd faint faint positive sunday afternoon but again pretty faint

4th BFN not even a glimmer today at 11:30 AM

Am v.v. sad now

I have no will power


Okay, so I might have caved and peed on both stick – there’s $20 bucks I’ll never see again.  The first time was on Friday on CD 25.  To be honest I think I got a brief flicker of a positive line but it was so inconclusive so I thought I’ll wait till Saturday and use morning pee – well a BFN.  I’m going to be honest again though cause on Monday I’m heading right to the drug store again to buy some more incase the 2nd test was wrong.  Hope, she’s a merciless bitch.

It was too late though, we’d already calculated the due date, moved around travel plans and decided when we’d start telling people.  I’d re-downloaded the “what to expect when you’re expecting” app onto my phone and worried that I hadn’t taken enough folic acid.

Saturday brought that to a halt.

Friday I thought I may have predicted this with my dream and now Saturday well I knew it couldn’t have been that easy.

The worst part is I still haven’t thrown the tests away….they are sitting in my bathroom waiting for me to incessantly study them every time I go in.

My poor husband!  His refrain to me always is don’t get too carried away.  He’s the brakes!  I sure wish I knew how not to get carried away.  Now I have March to look forward to with period cramps and then Clomid!

I had the best dream


You know you’re going even more crazy when you dream about taking a pregnancy test and see two beautiful pink lines!  I woke up scared I’d wet the bed the dream was SO VIVID!  I’m too scared now to take the test and might wait one more day to see if that gives me a better chance.  That superstition thing is creeping up again!  I told DH and now he’s getting worried that I’m setting myself up again….he’s right, I need to chillax already!

In other news….I had a great friend come over last night.  We’d met as children and then bumped into each other years later at a work event.  I am so thankful to have good friends- it’s so important to me to laugh, relax and share stories.  It makes up for a lot as my family isn’t always around.

Well it’s now Friday thankfully!  My new blackout curtains are  a dream (ha ha).  We have a suntanning studio right across the street from our house and they leave their neon advertising on all night just glowing away and shining right into our bedroom.  I hunted down blackout curtains and it was going to be $1200 plus.  Well I bought some regular curtains instead for $80 and my DH took it upon himself to

a) buy a sewing machine – $20

b) buy blackout material from the craft store – $55

c) SEW the material onto the backs of our regular curtains – FREE, a little thread and some swears

Now we drift off to sleep in a mostly dark room, huzzah!

Hey Soul Sister


….ok so I still can’t get that Travis song out of my head!

Well…the worst part of this whole process for me is the waiting waiting waiting.  This month we took matters into our own hands and I currently have 2 10 dollar sticks just waiting for me to pee on.    I don’t hold out much hope and am sure will be back at the clinic for the next cycle.

I feel like I just jinxed things by typing that sentence.  The superstition is growing and growing in tandem with my non-expanding womb.  I haven’t talked about it much lately even with my close friends.  It feels like a sore on my gum—and I keep probing it and then quickly stop.  I think about what we are trying to achieve and then quickly switch it off.  I’m afraid that if nothing happens I won’t know what to do next.  My identity is wrapped up in stress, worry and brief moments of freaking out.  It’s pathetic but who will I be if I switch all of that off.

On the bright side I’m having  Stella and Dot party….yay me and shiny things!

What’s new in your world?

Latest Shoe Bargain


You are not going to believe this one – brought to you again courtesy of Nine West.  I love Nine West – they have narrow shoes in size 5 – you cannot believe how difficult it is to find shoes – neither can my husband as he looks at my closet!

Ok so these little beauties were originally $260 + 12% tax = 291.20

Today I went into the store and they were marked down to ….$79.99 which is a bargain in itself

BUT WAIT…..THERE’S MORE

They then had an additional 25% off so I got them for the grand total of $67.19 including the bastard tax.

Excuse the poor quality of the picture, but I couldn’t wait for a proper camera to share.

Maybe this is a better pic – except they are black