Oh yes…serving up large portions of denial here. It’s free, cheap and hot! With a side serving of guilt and overwhelming sense of loss.
Most of the time I try not to think about our childless life but instead focus on the positives about the things we can still enjoy without family ties. But then a family birthday comes along or a holiday event or I start thinking about Christmas …. and how I’d love to have a Christmas with our child and how it’s now to late even if we managed to get pregnant to have one this year….
Then I try to shake it off and not think about it but it sneaks up on you. It never seems to go away the cycle of try, hope, fail and despair. The worst part is I have no one to talk to about it. So, I try not to acknowledge it and then today I decide to start typing and the tears start to flow. The pain and loss hits and the loneliness comes. I’m sad, tired and more than a little afraid of what will happen if it never goes away.
There is no end in sight and no resolution.