Carry each other

I started blogging about a year ago but it was very sporadic and never really up to date.  I also got pregnant a few weeks after I started and then it all went pear shaped and I sort of fell off a cliff in terms of blogging or anything really.  These past few weeks I’ve been really spending a lot of time reading other people’s stories and their struggles and ups and downs of this journey.  I have to admit though I am still trepiditious, I surf on wordpress tag surfer to read others blogs and then click on the links in their blogs and I should really calculate the rates because in some ways its very positive but sometimes you click on a link and they’ve graduated from the infertile club to the mommy posting…and it’s weird but that gives me such a pang.  Or you click on someone’s link and their last post was a while ago and they may have said they are going to take a break and you hope that things are ok. 

It’s such a tenuous link that I have with what is happening to me.  I have a hard time even thinking that it might never happen for me.  But then I look back at my timeline of events and realize we’ve been seriously at this since January 2010.  I don’t know why these things happen, I don’t know why genetically I have things that are “wrong” with me.  I can’t even articulate this well – I live so much in the present and don’t take time to reflect or look back in all cases of my life and then when I do in this situation I think “OMG – Jan 10.  Depressing.  What can I do to fix this?  How do I keep ahold of my emotions, keep it together, not wallow, stay a positive and contributing member of society, maintain relationships all the while this is eating away at my heart, my sanity and my ability to stay objective.  Then I go on google and read blogs and research and freak myself out and I just hope and pray that we are doing the right things, everything we can, getting the best care, staying on top of the medicine, not being lost in the shuffle of patient charts so that we lose another cycle, another pregnancy, another missed opportunity to address whatever “IT” is that allows me to move on from this horrific limbo of waiting, wondering, hoping and yes even praying.  And you know what sucks?  Having your husband tell you to “Just relax” LOL.  Isn’t there a law about saying that to people struggling to have a child? 

It’s CD 31 and my back is killing me.  I wish my period would just arrive all ready so I can move on to the next step and then the one after that and then the one after that until finally I have my own family.

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