where do i go with all this sadness and melancholy? i have no outlet for it
most of my friends have disappeared or busy with their own lives and pain and struggle
family is geographically dispersed and understandably busy
when i have finally worked up the courage to tell people in my awkward way they have all faded away. i guess i am now “that person” the one who is tainted with a sadness that they don’t want to be infected with or don’t have time to deal with. the difficult one. the needy one. it is all so awkward. i guess i don’t have anything to offer them now. i guess i am one of those poor friends who isn’t there for them either. maybe they’ve got their own blogs wondering why no one hears them.
i am blue. it came about from the strangest thought. i was off to get a baby present for one of my BFF’s who’s just had her baby and I thought to myself I’m so thankful we hadn’t bought any baby stuff. what would i have done with it?
i am dreading my birthday which signals a cutoff year in success rates for fertility treatments and also a reminder of the day it was confirmed i was pregnant from the 3rd IUI and the pregnancy that lasted the longest and the one they could tell us was a boy. then again the hope cycle and then another loss and again another loss. i feel i’m living in cycles that just keep repeating themselves and silly me expecting different outcomes but no, they always end the same. don’t get your hopes up, you know what happens when you expect too much. greedy girl
i have no where to go with the sadness. sometimes it leaves and sometimes like today it comes back with an overwhelming wave of loss and pain and i can barely see through the silent tears.
there are things to be happy about, i just have to find them again.
i don’t want to be sad, lonely and hurting. sometimes it just comes over me and i don’t know how to stop it. some days i am fine and happy. other days i’m a combination. tonight i am tired of fighting and pushing to keep the despair at bay. i hope it will fade away again and i can try to ignore it. mostly i pretend everything is fine but i’m now honest. it’s not fine and i’m scared.
i wonder what you would have looked like. you would be around 2 1/2 months. and how perfect would it be to have the trio of best friends with babies within 3 months of each other. no, instead they are both at home with their babies (and one won’t return my calls) and i am back off to the fertility clinic for round #5.
here’s hoping for 2 lines in ’11 and a baby in ’12
i promise to be better tomorrow.
to do tomorrow
be a better, kinder person