where do i go from here?


where do i go with all this sadness and melancholy?  i have no outlet for it

most of my friends have disappeared or busy with their own lives and pain and struggle

family is geographically dispersed and understandably busy

when i have finally worked up the courage to tell people in my awkward way they have all faded away.  i guess i am now “that person” the one who is tainted with a sadness that they don’t want to be infected with or don’t have time to deal with.  the difficult one.  the needy one.  it is all so awkward.  i guess i don’t have anything to offer them now.  i guess i am one of those poor friends who isn’t there for them either.  maybe they’ve got their own blogs wondering why no one hears them.

i am blue.  it came about from the strangest thought.  i was off to get a baby present for one of my BFF’s who’s just had her baby and I thought to myself I’m so thankful we hadn’t bought any baby stuff.  what would i have done with it?

i am dreading my birthday which signals a cutoff year in success rates for fertility treatments and also a reminder of the day it was confirmed i was pregnant from the 3rd IUI and the pregnancy that lasted the longest and the one they could tell us was a boy. then again the hope cycle and then another loss and again another loss.  i feel i’m living in cycles that just keep repeating themselves and silly me expecting different outcomes but no, they always end the same. don’t get your hopes up, you know what happens when you expect too much.  greedy girl

i have no where to go with the sadness.  sometimes it leaves and sometimes like today it comes back with an overwhelming wave of loss and pain and i can barely see through the silent tears.

there are things to be happy about, i just have to find them again.

i don’t want to be sad, lonely and hurting.  sometimes it just comes over me and i don’t know how to stop it.  some days i am fine and happy. other days i’m a combination.  tonight i am tired of fighting and pushing to keep the despair at bay. i hope it will fade away again and i can try to ignore it. mostly i pretend everything is fine but i’m now honest.  it’s not fine and i’m scared.

i wonder what you would have looked like.  you would be around 2 1/2 months.  and how perfect would it be to have the trio of best friends with babies within 3 months of each other.  no, instead they are both at home with their babies (and one won’t return my calls) and i am back off to the fertility clinic for round #5.

here’s hoping for 2 lines in ’11 and a baby in ’12

i promise to be better tomorrow.

to do tomorrow

find happiness

be a better, kinder person

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29 thoughts on “where do i go from here?

  1. I know we can all relate to this sadness. 😦 I wish there were words to say that make it better but there are none. One thing that has helped is my blog but another huge one is medhelp.com. a gret forum site with tons of wonderful supportive women! You should check it out 🙂 search for “thosenewmans” *big hugs*

  2. thank you I’ll definitely check it out. and thank you for reading and commenting, it means a lot. I feel a bit better today – it’s ups and downs isn’t it. thank you again.

  3. I feel you! I live in a city, where I haven’t lived that long, and my “friends” group is growing smaller and smaller. And, it is hard to stay connected with my friends in the city where I lived before because of distance and it is hard to talk about some of these things over the phone. Plus, who wants to hear about it all the time. I certainly don’t! 🙂

    Well, I guess that is why the blogging world is so wonderful – we can support each other, listen and give lots of virtual hugs. So <>. Hope that you can relax and enjoy the weekend with your hubby!

  4. I’m glad you found my blog because that means I now can read your blog! I’ve been dealing with an increase in depression. Insensitive “friends”, friends that care but don’t know how to express it, friends that seem to new to burden with all my baggage. I find that getting out and getting fresh air really helps. Good books help. Focusing on my faith helps (don’t know where you stand on that) and, well, blogging helps! This 100 days of happiness gets me thinking through the day, “what little thing am I overlooking that could just be my happy thing for the day?”

  5. that’s where I’m at now, focusing on happy and positive things. I don’t want this to get me down and I want to stay positive and healthy. I like your 100 days of happiness!
    Thanks for stopping by 🙂

  6. “i have no where to go with the sadness. sometimes it leaves and sometimes like today it comes back with an overwhelming wave of loss and pain and i can barely see through the silent tears.”

    Oh, honey. I’m so sorry. I feel you. I really do. Sometimes, I write a positive post on my blog, hit “publish”, and then sadness comes over me in waves. It’s unreal. I wish I could say something helpful, but please know that you are not alone!

  7. I understand how you’re feeling. It’s definitely a roller coaster of emotions and I, myself, would love to get off. I just try to remember that infertility is a humbling experience meant to strengthen your spirit and turn you into a giving person.

    Hope you are feeling a bit better about things now.

  8. I’m so sorry for your pain. I’m coming up on some bad anniversaries as well, and I know I just wish it would get easier. I hope you get some r&r this weekend.

  9. I remember laying on the floor in my bathroom sobbing my eyes out and screaming at God in anger…probably one of my lowest points. But you know what, sometimes I think it is okay to have those moments (or days) were you unload everything and bare your soul so that you can feel light again. I hope that writing this down helped! Blogs are my favorite place to vent, especially when I have this great support system of women who know where I’m coming from. Unload it all on us so that you can be that less “needy” friend around everyone else. It’s what we are here for!
    Thanks for stopping by my blog the other day. 🙂 It means a lot.

  10. I am sorry you are so sad, but you have every right to be and it’s NORMAL to have those days that you just feel like crumbling. I had two of my best friends and we all got pregnant with our second babies together … but then…. I lost mine, and they both carried theirs. I suffered through secondary infertility, 10+ years total of struggling to conceive and stay pregnant … 14 miscarriages later … I have 4 amazing boys, 3 of which I had to fight for … One of those friends I barely talk to, and the other one I don’t talk to anymore – she had an affair and got pregnant, then had an abortion with her third child and I *tried* to be an understanding friend, then she just went off the wall and her mom was so scare because she wasn’t talking to her and just dropping off her two kids… so after a very emotional phone call with her mom, I finally broke down and told her. She slowly started to cut me out of her life and no longer talks to me anymore. Both of them are Godparents to one of my kids, and it makes me sad.

    I can only hope and pray that you get your pink lines, your happy moments in pregnancy … and your baby warm in your arms, staring at you, as if you are their whole world. I want nothing more for each of those that I come across struggling for something so basic. Good luck & I hope Happy Baby 2012! I sure hope it happens…

    Happy ICLW from #86 😀

  11. Oh honey, I am so damned sorry you are feeling depressed an all alone. Most people don’t have a clue how to deal with infertility and have less of a clue how to deal with repeat pregnancy loss. I’ve been down that road and know just how badly it sucks to lose pregnancy after pregnancy. If you need to talk, feel free to email me to vent or to ask questions (cruzowlpost at att dot net) or head on over to Band Back Together. It is a fabulous resource for people dealing with everything from depression to infertility to miscarriage (and a whole lot more). Lots of {{{hugs}} and prayers coming your way.

    ICLW #19

  12. I’m so sorry for your loss and I totally understand the sadness thing. My former best friend at work was due a week before me. now, she’s living with her 5 month old son and we’re no longer best friends. It could have been so different and even though its been a year since my loss, it’s tough moving on, especially since I haven’t been able to get pregnant again. hang in there!!!!!

  13. Pingback: Mini-break = success | Endo&beyond

  14. I can totally relate to this post!! I have been so down in the dumps the last few weeks. A lot of it is just stress and TTC anxiaty, but I realized I might be having a side effect from the BCP’s. Who knows, but regardless it is a sucky place to be.

    Try to do something fun and perhaps you will meet a friend along the way. I just moved halfway across the country 11mo ago so I am short on friends now too but have learn to find comfort in alone time.

    Hope things cheer up for you soon, and I bet they will!!

  15. Oh, I am so that sad person that everyone ignores. Since my sister’s death and our adoption of two of their girls, our friends have fallen by the wayside. I’m tired to faking my answers about how I really am…”fine, we’re all fine” is just such a lie but I’m sick of being the debbie downer all the time. Hang in there…I hope things look up soon.

  16. You’re not alone. Your post brought tears to my eyes. I have felt this way so many times. You express the pain beautifully. Sometimes it is just impossible to find ‘the happy’. I’m thinking of you and hoping that you have many brighter tomorrows.

  17. I found you on Stirrup-Queens and this post brought me to tears. Only IFs can understand the cycles of emotions that happen for us every month, and the guilt that comes from asking for something and wanting for something that seems to come so easily for all of the women around us and is so unattainable for us. I’ll be praying that we all find a space for peace and joy and that we finally get to see those two allusive pink lines in 2011. xoxo

  18. I’m so sorry you’re feeling so sad. Blogland and the online world in general can be a good place to get the sadness out and find people who will go through it with you, but I know it means so much more to have people in real life do that. I’m so sorry.

  19. Pingback: glimpses of laughter are treasured along the road | Endo&beyond

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