House for sure! I’d love for him to read all my medical records and diagnose me.
Today we went for a massive bike ride from our house all the way around Stanley Park. The weather was spectacular and it was such a beautiful day. We’ve been staying on the eating healthy path and managed to get more fruits down our neck today.
My BFF and her husband is having a naming ceremony for their daughter and she’s asked me to be a 2nd godmother to her child (her sister and brother in law will be the godmother/guardians). I was very touched and honoured to have been asked this. This will be the 2nd child I have been asked to do this for. We were asked last year to be guardians by the first couple and were absolutely delighted to say yes. Selfishly now though, my wish is to become a parent next.
Today I was in such a good place and state of mind and then something flashed across the front of my brain. “When will this end, when will the sadness strike again”? I quickly pushed this fleeting thought out of my mind but it shook me. I wonder if I pretend to be ok and when the feelings of sadness, loneliness and despair come, I wonder if that’s the true me but I know it’s not acceptable to feel that and then just push it away and try to pretend to be “normal”? I wonder if Dr. House could diagnose that.
I think I know the answer to when this will end – in 2 weeks less a day. I feel guilty even just writing that. I should be thinking positive otherwise the negative energy I put out there will come back to me. However, on a different vein if I’m too positive and wishful for a pregnancy (and yes I’ve already calculated the due date) then the universe will come back and bite me for overstepping my bounds. Whichever way you look at if I’ve completely jinxed the whole thing and made it worse by formulating these thoughts into writing. Sometimes I don’t even realize these frenetic thoughts are there until I start typing and a swoosh of something takes over me and this desperate feeling rises to the surface and floods of feelings come out. A lethal cocktail of hope, despair and worry – it makes for a killer hangover.
I have to find balance and get back to the positive. I’m grateful for this outlet. I’m happy to have spent a wonderful weekend with my husband in the gorgeous weather. Our lives are happy, healthy and we have joy together. Focus on the positive.