Sure fire way to scare yourself half to death

Step 1 – Have a decent sized beet salad for lunch

Step 2 – forget you’ve eaten a lot of beets, carry on with your day, go home, go to sleep, wake up and go to work

Step 3 – go to the bathroom for a #2

Step 4 – look in the toilet

Step 5 – freak the eff out and have a variety of thoughts rush through your head such as “what the hell is that” and “bleeding?” “why so purple?”  and “I don’t seem to have any pain, does internal bleeding hurt?”

Step 6 – come to a gradual realization that eating beets = purple poos.  Laugh hysterically to oneself.

Guaranteed to get your heart racing better than a shot of espresso!


So, guess who called me?

Wow, just had a flash back to dating 3 Mike’s at the same time and trying to tell my friend which one had called me and why it was either good, bad or the fireman….yes, dreams do change!

Anyway, my favorite male nurse called me from the RPL clinic!  He said, “Hello, it’s B—- from the Women’s Health Clinic” and i’m all like “B—-, “sooooooo great to hear from you!” all chipper and shit.  He said, “I haven’t forgotten about you, I’ve just had a lot of things on the go” (flash back to the bad Mike again)

Anyway, flashbacks and juggling aside, my biopsy is booked for October 4th.  Woohoo, and roll on the valium.

So, I also got a text from a girl I used to work with over 10 years ago and we’ve loosely remained in touch over the years.  She texted to ask for my address.  I know she’s pregnant from her facebook updates…and I’m awaiting a shower invitation in the mail any day now.

I had my birthday PAP on Monday and I was so impressed with myself.  Barely a flicker of anxiety and I thought to myself, I should get a gold star.  Looking back I’ve faced way worse and a PAP is no big deal.  That, right there, is progress baby!




the destruction and devastation of dreams

I usually live so much in the present that when the past catches up with me it feels like memories that someone else has.  I’ve had a chance to be fairly introspective these past few weeks and I usually look back a bit around my birthday.

My dreams have changed.

Age 16

Get driver’s license

Age 16.5

Get boyfriend, get married, have children (3 to be exact) all before turning 26.

I remember one of my teachers in 1989 when I was aged 13 asking the class how old we’d  be in year 2000.  I did the calculation and figured out that I would be 24; FAR too old to have any fun on New Year’s Eve because I’d be a) old; b) married and c) have children.  HA HA HA

My new dream is maybe 1 child before 40

Dream at age 20-25

Find true love.  Get married.  Have a great job. Travel

Dream at age 27

Plan elopement, move back to Canada, get visa for DH, buy a property.  Figure out when we could have children

Dream at age 30. Figure out when we could have children

Dream at age 31 Figure out when we could have a child

Dream at age 35 Figure out when we could have a child.  Or give up said dream and focus 100% of my energy on my career and find happiness with the new plan.

I really want to have a family.  A close knit circle where we can make our own traditions and DH and I can be a wonderful family together with our children.  I dream about our children coming home from school and hearing about their day.  I think about where they might go for college or what their first haircut would be like.  These wonderful daydreams that take over my thoughts and I sit in bliss thinking about helping them with school work, wondering if they’d like piano lessons or play team sports or what kind of dog we should get.  Then I wake up and wonder why the RPL clinic hasn’t called me back to book my endometrial biopsy and think to myself “does my acupuncture doctor like me or not and she’s totally judging me for having drinks on my birthday” …..”how’s your digestion” she asks me whilst not making eye contact.

Where does depression hurt?  Everywhere.

Yes, my dreams have changed.

Sunday….a post about nothing

So, I’ve noticed a weird trend and think that my cervical mucus quality is going downhill.  I’m going to have to look into this further.  But this cycle doesn’t count anyway because we’ll be using condoms (so weird, I’ll have to make sure they haven’t expired) due to the endometrial biopsy that STILL isn’t scheduled but is supposed to take place on October 5th.  As you know, they didn’t quite communicate with me in advance and the booking nurse was meant to call me on Thursday last week, well he still hasn’t called and so I left a message on Friday afternoon.  I hope he gets back to me on Monday because I’m worried that I will have to wait another cycle due to timing and the doctor being booked up.  Argh!

I had a lovely birthday party and was spoiled rotten.  DH was fabulous and we had a great time yesterday at the spa.  Today we’re back to the grind of cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning and getting ready for the upcoming week.

Not much to report…just a lot of waiting around….I’m SOOOO good at that.

Fertility Free Friday – Take 3

So here we are at FFF and I’m thankful to have made it through this week.

Yesterday I had a lovely pedicure and cocktail with a girlfriend…nice way to roll into the birthday celebrations. I splashed out with a new for me colour – Mermaid’s Tears.

Tonight I’m meeting some friends at the local pub to toast my descent into middle age!

Tomorrow DH and I are headed to the spa for couples massages and hanging out in the pool and hot tub. Should be nice and relaxing.

I’ve really been enjoying acupuncture and Wednesday’s session was very relaxing. They now offer a studio experience where in if you go for twice weekly appointments you can use their studio for additional appointments for free and your husband can also go. I might try it out.


Hurry up and wait

Ok….so what’s happened…

My biopsy appointment at the Recurrent Pregnancy Loss clinic was yesterday.  The doctor who had requested it was away so I sat in with a different doctor.  She advised me that we should be doing the biopsy closer to CD 21 rather than the CD 11 I was currently on.  Unfortunately the person booking the appointment advised that “we do biopsy’s on Wednesday’s and when you don’t have your period”.  Well, I fit that case but what he DIDN’T say that it needs to be AFTER I’ve ovulated.  Great, so I have to go back on October 5th to check for infection and to check the lining.  I love how people can screw around with your life so casually. 

She did however give me some answers to my positive blood test.  She mentioned that as it was negative in January and only faintly positive this time around she’d like me to re-test in mid October.  Also, one of the blood tests that I had taken on August 31 the results have yet to arrive.

So, my plan now is, get the tests, get the biopsy, get lots of acupuncture, get the test results and once I have more answers meet with my fertility doctor and make a go-forward plan.  Clear as mud?

I also never said anything on here but I chatted about it with the doctor and last cycle I had 1 test out of 6 that was a faint positive.  My period was also 2 days late and ever since we’ve been tracking ovulation by blood work I’ve been bang on with my period 14 days later.  I had extreme tiredness and then had a very heavy period so when I spoke about this with the doctor at the RPL clinic she thinks that may have been another very early loss. 

Welcome to ICLW….I wish I had more energy to welcome you.  On a plus note I did have a great valium yesterday!

Needless to say I will have a few drinks on my birthday! 🙂