so guess what

I just found out that I tested positive on the lupus anti-coagulant blood test.  Wahey!  I had previously tested negative for it so I’m not sure what this means. 

I’ve scheduled in for an endometrial biopsy next Wednesday.  Who’s had this done …. how painful is it?  I’m REALLy scared of pain in my vagina.

The Dr. I saw at the RPL clinic is away until October 5th.  So I can’t get any information until then.  The results from the biopsy take 3 weeks to come in and then the clinic will contact me to go over those results and the results of the blood tests from August 31.  More waiting!!

I’ve contacted the fertility clinic because I’m wondering if we need to put IUI #6 on hold until we know more.  And also just to go over everything….where are we?  What are we doing?  What’s the plan?

The Dr. at the RPL clinic also suggested that I be tested for celiac. 

Still tired

Didn’t get the pedicure….boo.  Must rectify this weekend.

I’m so tired of pretending everything is ok.  It takes all my effort to keep it together, at work, with friends, at social functions, with family.  Who am I reassuring?  Certainly not myself.  It’s all a front and I’m scared.  I am just scared.  I’m losing the reasons why we are pursuing this.  It’s too hard.  But, how do I give up?  I don’t know how to do that.

If you see me and my smile doesn’t reach my eyes and you look closely enough you’ll see my sadness.  If you ask me too kindly how I’m doing I might just lose it.  If I type a blog post about it I start crying.  I read other’s journeys and admire their courage and tenacity. 

I read this post over at B’s blog and just seeing the picture of that movie set me off!

We took a break for May, June and July I can’t do another one…so much time has passed. 

So much time has passed

How will I know when to stop?


16 thoughts on “so guess what

  1. or at least that’s what Pixar taught us struggling with infertility and loss.

    Do nothing and you will be rewarded not with a baby of your own-but with when you are ancient-a lonely pre teen who could use you for emotional support because the person who got to have a hand in making this miracle is an a selfish, take for granted, asshat.

  2. I’m sorry hon. But listen, I think that you’re letting your impatience to get things over with dictate your decisions. I get it, I’ve been there (it lead to miscarriages two and three). So please learn from my mistakes. WAIT. Wait until you have all of the answers. Especially if you’re this worn out. The more information you will have, the more hope and energy. The less fear. Things seem to be up in the air right now. Wait for answers. A couple more months will NOT make a difference in the long run. What if something goes wrong that in hindsight, you could have prevented? I hope that never happens to you. I truly do. So please, take care of yourself. Get all of the testing done. Take it as an opportunity to rest. In the grand scheme of things, one or two months is nothing compared to a lifetime.
    Sending you hugs.

  3. I have had the endometrial biopsy and it sucks. It feels like really bad cramps but you can’t double over to calm the pain because you have this long straw thing up your hooha taking samples which is causing the pain in the first place. Good news is that the pain does not last very long. I had this done twice after 9 miscarriages and 18 years of having suffered from PCOS and horribly long and heavy periods. Mine came back negative for anything, but they took my uterus anyways.

    This is what happened to me. Please do not think that this is something that can/wil/is going to happen to you. My case was an extreme because I had been bleeding heavily from August of 2010 thru to January of 2011 and had been on 30mg progesterone daily trying to get it to stop.

    I know that it is incredibly frustrating trying to get pregnant, going through the treatments, all the hormones that feels like satan running through your veins and you feel yourself being horrible but you can’t stop it….and then there is the crying. My Gods the crying. I did clomid last year and that really threw my hormones crazy. After three rounds my body told me it was done. It started bleeding and would not stop until the docs took the uterus out.

    I will say this. When you are done, you will know. Your body and your mind and your heart will just tell you “this is not going to work, let’s try a different approach to having babies”. Then again, you may not get this message because you may end up with that joyous wonderful pregnancy that you have been dreaming of. At that point we will all love you and be happy for you and wish you all the joy and happiness in the world. If you do not get there we will be here for you to vent and cry to.

    Love and light,

    Lucky Star

  4. I had an endo biopsy last month. I was warned about the pain and requested something for it. If you possibly can, at least take ad.vil (or something like it that will help your ute relax). My Dr. gave me 4 ad.vil an hour before the procedure. He said that maximum dose was 5, but with my weight (low-average for my height) 4 should be enough. I still felt it, but not enough to double over like the previous commenter. So definitely take something. If you have someone to drive you home, you might even want to consider vico.den or another strong pain pill, or ad.vil with val.ium. And how much it hurts also depends a lot on who does it. My Dr. said he’d be gentle and I had meds and it still hurt, so I can’t imagine what it would have been like with a different doctor and no meds.

    Good Luck!!!!

    And I also want to second what MO said. If you think you need more info, than it’s worth waiting to get it, even though the waiting is really hard. (((Hugs)))

    • I had meds but unfortunately I have had so many issues that I have a very high tolerance for pain meds…good news is that I have a high tolerance for pain too. Yeah my doc was not a great one. She was an endocrinology expert supposedly but she was very brash and her bedside manner was atrocious. I really hope that you do not have that kind of experience. Please let us know how it goes.

  5. Thank you for this post! I don’t know how many times I’ve been breezing through my day and I just break down when somebody honestly cares about how I’m doing.

  6. Your post really struck a chord with me, because I’ve had so many of those same thoughts and feelings, especially this past year. This will be long, so I apologize in advance, but I hope it’s at least a little bit helpful or comforting in some way…

    First, regarding the endo biopsy – I had one about a year ago. The RE had to take two samples for two separate tests. I was really freaked out about it because I thought the doctor has to literally “snip” some cells out of the uterine lining, but it turns out they use a pipette to suction some cells out.

    I don’t remember if I took any advil beforehand or not. When he took the first sample, it was just a little bit of mild cramping – not too bad at all. The second sample felt more like bad menstrual cramps, but still not as horrible as I expected. If you want to read more about it:

    Regarding pretending everything is okay – I think it’s okay to put on a front for those people/situations where you have to, as long as you are also able to talk honestly and openly with people you trust and who can support you, both in real life and in blogland. That’s what we’re here for. 🙂

    Regarding giving up – I used to wonder this, too. And in all honesty, given our current situation, I can’t say I’ve had to take that final step at this point. However, I went into this cycle fully expecting it NOT to work. And in trying to prepare myself for that, what I did eventually come to realize is that I wouldn’t be giving up. I would be accepting that even though I’d given it everything I could (physically, emotionally, financially) to make it work, sometimes things just don’t work. One thing that really helped me understand this was a post that My Two Lines wrote when she was still posting as Mrs. Lc. It was the part toward the bottom about the lyrics – “I had tried until I couldn’t” – that spoke to me:

    When it’s time to stop (and possibly consider pursuing other paths, if that’s something you want to do), you’ll know because you’ll transition from thinking “How will I know when to stop?” to “I think maybe I don’t want to do this anymore” to “I don’t want to do this anymore”.

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