I usually live so much in the present that when the past catches up with me it feels like memories that someone else has. I’ve had a chance to be fairly introspective these past few weeks and I usually look back a bit around my birthday.
My dreams have changed.
Get driver’s license
Get boyfriend, get married, have children (3 to be exact) all before turning 26.
I remember one of my teachers in 1989 when I was aged 13 asking the class how old we’d be in year 2000. I did the calculation and figured out that I would be 24; FAR too old to have any fun on New Year’s Eve because I’d be a) old; b) married and c) have children. HA HA HA
My new dream is maybe 1 child before 40
Dream at age 20-25
Find true love. Get married. Have a great job. Travel
Dream at age 27
Plan elopement, move back to Canada, get visa for DH, buy a property. Figure out when we could have children
Dream at age 30. Figure out when we could have children
Dream at age 31 Figure out when we could have a child
Dream at age 35 Figure out when we could have a child. Or give up said dream and focus 100% of my energy on my career and find happiness with the new plan.
I really want to have a family. A close knit circle where we can make our own traditions and DH and I can be a wonderful family together with our children. I dream about our children coming home from school and hearing about their day. I think about where they might go for college or what their first haircut would be like. These wonderful daydreams that take over my thoughts and I sit in bliss thinking about helping them with school work, wondering if they’d like piano lessons or play team sports or what kind of dog we should get. Then I wake up and wonder why the RPL clinic hasn’t called me back to book my endometrial biopsy and think to myself “does my acupuncture doctor like me or not and she’s totally judging me for having drinks on my birthday” …..”how’s your digestion” she asks me whilst not making eye contact.
Where does depression hurt? Everywhere.
Yes, my dreams have changed.