the destruction and devastation of dreams

I usually live so much in the present that when the past catches up with me it feels like memories that someone else has.  I’ve had a chance to be fairly introspective these past few weeks and I usually look back a bit around my birthday.

My dreams have changed.

Age 16

Get driver’s license

Age 16.5

Get boyfriend, get married, have children (3 to be exact) all before turning 26.

I remember one of my teachers in 1989 when I was aged 13 asking the class how old we’d  be in year 2000.  I did the calculation and figured out that I would be 24; FAR too old to have any fun on New Year’s Eve because I’d be a) old; b) married and c) have children.  HA HA HA

My new dream is maybe 1 child before 40

Dream at age 20-25

Find true love.  Get married.  Have a great job. Travel

Dream at age 27

Plan elopement, move back to Canada, get visa for DH, buy a property.  Figure out when we could have children

Dream at age 30. Figure out when we could have children

Dream at age 31 Figure out when we could have a child

Dream at age 35 Figure out when we could have a child.  Or give up said dream and focus 100% of my energy on my career and find happiness with the new plan.

I really want to have a family.  A close knit circle where we can make our own traditions and DH and I can be a wonderful family together with our children.  I dream about our children coming home from school and hearing about their day.  I think about where they might go for college or what their first haircut would be like.  These wonderful daydreams that take over my thoughts and I sit in bliss thinking about helping them with school work, wondering if they’d like piano lessons or play team sports or what kind of dog we should get.  Then I wake up and wonder why the RPL clinic hasn’t called me back to book my endometrial biopsy and think to myself “does my acupuncture doctor like me or not and she’s totally judging me for having drinks on my birthday” …..”how’s your digestion” she asks me whilst not making eye contact.

Where does depression hurt?  Everywhere.

Yes, my dreams have changed.


12 thoughts on “the destruction and devastation of dreams

  1. I totally identify with you on this. It really hurt to look back and see how your hopes and dreams got carved away by circumstances out of your control.

    I can’t believe they still haven’t gotten you an appointment!! Sometimes I wish firsthand experience was a qualification for anyone doing anything related to infertility. People don’t understand how desperation and urgency can go on and on and on.

    • like sand being washed away
      most of my dreams have come true, that’s what’s so sad, it should be a positive post. but it’s not

      I’m calling them AGAIN tomorrow. I can’t believe it’s been a week after *their* fuckup. So frustrating

  2. I can absolutely relate to this post. I have had this long running dialogue in my head for many years. Each major life event seems to be disappointing and not what I had planned for up until this point. It sucks! Don’t give up on your dreams:)

  3. This post made me think of when I was in junior high, in some home-ex type class we had to fill out some kind of “life plan” and in the space about kids I said I wanted to have my first by age 21 because I didn’t want to be too old! (laughing so hard I can’t breath now…) awww, the innocence of youth!

    What will I laugh at myself for in 5, 10, 20 years from now?

    I’m so sorry you’re feeling the pain of depression. I wish that I could ease your burden 😦

  4. So it is with dreams… they do change a bit, don’t they? But it’s true, depression hurts at all time everywhere. I wish it weren’t so. Good luck with the biopsy.

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