the dark rider approaches

i haven’t written much lately.  i feel….down, tired and sad.  Our D & C anniversary (yuck) is approaching and yesterday was the lowest I felt in a long time.  I had a conversation with J and it scared me the things I admitted.  I didn’t want to tell him or even say them out loud and worry him.  I’d been holding them in and not letting them come to the front of my mind but just hover in the background, in the murky recesses of my mind, yes, in the black part, the part that is the real me but I keep locked down and never admit exists.  Well, here I am admitting, that part is probably the truest me and I never tap into it, it’s too awful.

CD 33 and I’m absolutely knackered.  I know my period is on its way but I still peed on 2 internet tests (yay they arrived) for something to do!  There’s been no ovulation monitoring, blood monitoring, pills, IUI or anything TRYING related.  I haven’t even had the energy to take folic acid.

Just the biopsy. 

There won’t be 2 lines in 11 because I won’t get the results in time to try again this year. 

Another Christmas, New Year, holiday whatever without the one thing that I’ve been trying for for nearly 2 years. 

I’m scared of how black my thoughts are and how bleak my outlook is.  Scared, but also calm which means I’m getting ready to decide something and one part of me isn’t going to like it but another part of me knew it would be this way all the time.

WHEN I compare
What I have lost with what I have gained,
What I have missed with what attained,
Little room do I find for pride.

I am aware
How many days have been idly spent;
How like an arrow the good intent
Has fallen short or been turned aside.

But who shall dare
To measure loss and gain in this wise?
Defeat may be victory in disguise;
The lowest ebb is the turn of the tide.

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow


7 thoughts on “the dark rider approaches

  1. I’ve been having dark thoughts of my own… But I can’t quite put my finger on it, can’t find the words to express what the root if it all that is plaguing me. Big giant Internet hug!!!!!!

  2. Sending you a huge hug. Having milestones pass with no progress is the worst feeling in the world. But remember you’re not alone!
    huge hugs

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