I’m not myself anymore


and I don’t know where I went

I am still waiting to hear of my blood test results regarding lupus anti-coagulant.  If it is a positive for the second time the Dr. at the RPL clinic has said I should go on heparin if I do manage to get pregnant. However, don’t try to get pregnant yet until we get the results of the blood test.  There goes another cycle.  I’m not monitoring for ovulation this cycle because:

a) I just don’t have it in me

b) I just don’t have it in me

c) I can’t get the energy to test

Realistically, if my lupus anti-coagulant test is negative I’m not sure what to do.  The doctor said to just try again and hope nothing goes wrong.  If it does go wrong, they test the fetus and it’s normal, then they’d put me on heparin.  I hope I don’t have to go through all that however, heparin doesn’t feel like the answer and I’m pretty sure the blood test is going to come back negative and then what…….? IUI again and hope it works?  Do I feel like getting pregnant a fifth time with no clear answers and putting my heart through all that again?

Where did I go?  Where have I gone?  My energy for this is going away.  I haven’t gone to acupuncture, I still drink a cup of coffee, I haven’t changed my diet, I’m not monitoring my temperature, I’ve avoided blogging and reading about infertility for the last 3 weeks.  I’m crawling into my shell and not sure how to come out.  We were watching Amazing Race and they went to Legoland in Denmark and J said, “I wouldn’t want to go there, but I’d take the kids” my heart literally flipped and cracked in my chest and all my tightly held pain came oozing out my fingernails.

What did I do? Made a cup of tea.