I’m not myself anymore

and I don’t know where I went

I am still waiting to hear of my blood test results regarding lupus anti-coagulant.  If it is a positive for the second time the Dr. at the RPL clinic has said I should go on heparin if I do manage to get pregnant. However, don’t try to get pregnant yet until we get the results of the blood test.  There goes another cycle.  I’m not monitoring for ovulation this cycle because:

a) I just don’t have it in me

b) I just don’t have it in me

c) I can’t get the energy to test

Realistically, if my lupus anti-coagulant test is negative I’m not sure what to do.  The doctor said to just try again and hope nothing goes wrong.  If it does go wrong, they test the fetus and it’s normal, then they’d put me on heparin.  I hope I don’t have to go through all that however, heparin doesn’t feel like the answer and I’m pretty sure the blood test is going to come back negative and then what…….? IUI again and hope it works?  Do I feel like getting pregnant a fifth time with no clear answers and putting my heart through all that again?

Where did I go?  Where have I gone?  My energy for this is going away.  I haven’t gone to acupuncture, I still drink a cup of coffee, I haven’t changed my diet, I’m not monitoring my temperature, I’ve avoided blogging and reading about infertility for the last 3 weeks.  I’m crawling into my shell and not sure how to come out.  We were watching Amazing Race and they went to Legoland in Denmark and J said, “I wouldn’t want to go there, but I’d take the kids” my heart literally flipped and cracked in my chest and all my tightly held pain came oozing out my fingernails.

What did I do? Made a cup of tea.


17 thoughts on “I’m not myself anymore

  1. They’ve already told me I’ll have to do daily injections of blood thinner as soon as I get pregnant. Have you been tested for Leiden Factor 5? I’m not looking forward to it, but it seems like a small price to pay after everything else. Good luck!!

  2. We’re fighters, right? Out of no where the fight will come back to you. And you may not be the same person you were when you began the fight, but I hope more than anything that change will be into motherhood.

  3. I found your blog from ICLW. I’m so sorry you are going through all this right now. There has to be light at the end of your long, dark tunnel. Just keep focusing on it and eventually you may find it. There is only so much hurt one person can handle. I hope there is happiness in your future soon!

  4. Aw, I’m sorry your feeling so down. I know it goes in waves for me… sometimes I need to be all involved in the IF stuff-online and beyond. I’ll be on top of everything and feel proud of myself because I’ll be hopeful that all of my awareness will bring us what we want. Then, when it doesn’t I go downhill. For a little while I let myself stay in my shell and heal until I feel energized to fight again. Hoping things look up enough for you to come out. Enjoy the tea. ❤

    Stopping by from ICLW!

  5. I”m so sorry you’re feeling lost. I totally get it. You just gotta do the best you can when you can. And if that’s make a cup of tea then so be it. At least it’s something. Take pride in the smallest of accomplishments. Eventually it will get better.

    @StolenEggs – ICLW#82

  6. Stopping in from ICLW..just wanted to say I am sending some happy vibes into the universe for you 😦 I hate that any of us have to go through any of this. Be gentle with yourself! ❤

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