What scares you the most?

The latest fear I’m working to over come is the thought of living child free.  The one thing I keep thinking about is who will put me in a home when I’m old and who will visit me.

I have some elderly aunts, two of which never married.  They are reaching the end of their lives and when I think about it I get uncomfortable.  How selfish is that?  They living another country far away otherwise I would visit more often.

I vacillate between being grateful for having no children (see exhibit A) which has also allowed me some career success and greater freedom of movement and then to feeling extremely broody and thinking I may be missing out on raising some fantastic children and growing and developing a family that I wish I had.  I often think the one relationship that I’m craving and searching for is the one between mother and child/ren.

2012 was a painful year.  One with many bumps, changes and lots of challenges.  I feel like I’m emerging from a crazy rollercoaster and now ready for some peace along a slow meandering river.  I knew at the beginning of 2012 that it would be one of change and I deliberately kicked it off by dyeing my hair blonde.  It seemed a small thing but I knew that the year was going to be crazy.  And it was.

2013 I am hoping for peace, love and smooth sailings.  I am searching for a safe harbour and less stress in my life.  I want to avoid toxic environments and stale waters.  I want to bring more harmony, love and peace to others around me and in turn replenish my own source.  I hope for great things but most of all I hope for peace.

Happy new year to you and your loved ones.  I wish you all the very best for 2013.

Caribbean cruise - Exhibit A

Caribbean cruise – Exhibit A


Sweet Sixteen

I saw this great post over at Making Babies on the NHS about the “Dear Me – Celebrity Letters article by the Guardian“.  I read through the letters the celebrities wrote and it got me thinking…what would I want a letter from the future me to say?

Dear Jane-Marie:

This is really going to annoy your 16-year-old self but I’m going to quote a piece of advice from Dad….”don’t wish your life away”  He said this to you when you were 15 and wishing you were 16 and could get your driver’s license.  It’s good advice, take it to heart (Dear 35-year-old self, this advice is for you too).

The things that you want to happen will eventually happen.

Don’t worry so much

Kissing boys isn’t the be all end all

Think more about your career, education and what you want out of life.  Go to a main stream school.  Get a degree in something that doesn’t overly limit your career options. 

Save more money

Eat more food so your metabolism doesn’t slow down in your late 20’s

Believe in yourself and your abilities.  Don’t worry so much about what others think.  Choose good quality friends.

Don’t be afraid to try new things

Don’t worry so much, I like you and that’s all that matters

Love yourself.



Updating my 10 things….

I foolishly made this list and thought it time to check in on my “progress”

1. Go fishing – we couldn’t rent a boat so didn’t get this done and unlikely too now that the weather has changed

2. Go somewhere in Canada that I’ve never been before – looking unlikely

3. Attend a networking event  done hooray!

4. Watch the Harry Potter final movie – lost interest

5. Attend a clothing/book exchange party  this was a tonne of fun and I got two awesome hoodies, for FREE!  If you can go to one, or organize one, do it!  It’s a good time and you can clean out your wardrobe of stuff you don’t want and get a few new bits or new books to read or new accessories.

6.  Try a new food  I had a beautiful Thanksgiving dinner and had venison for the first time. Delish!!

7. Go geo-caching – not yet 😦

8. Visit a new provincial park – not yet 😦

9. Go eagle spotting Such beautiful birds

10. Get and stay pregnant 😦


How’s your list?

strange dates

Welcome if you are here from ICLW.

Yesterday marked 1 year exactly from my visit to the abortion clinic to have our dead “normal male fetus” removed from my body.  I told J the date and when I finished telling him he looked like a stricken lamb.  He doesn’t like to dwell on things, or think about things that are painful and to some extent neither do I but I feel like this past nearly two years experience has made me more morbid.

I feel way behind.  In terms of blogging and life in general.  I need to move beyond this quagmire I find myself in.

I sound depressed but I’m actually not doing too bad.  However, the dates can’t come fast enough for when we meet with our RE and the pregnancy loss clinic doctor.  We haven’t made any plans to do any sort of infertility treatment and it’s making me crazy.  The acupuncture does help though and I feel like it’s allowing me to be proactive in my health and treat this for a while and then when we will try I will have the past 2 months of acupuncture treatments in my corner as well.

In other news I need a vacation.  It’s cold and rainy

It’s official

Acupuncture needles.

Image via Wikipedia

I love acupuncture.  I find it incredibly relaxing and the only time I ever switch off.  I relax for about 45 minutes with no distractions from work, email, phone, worry, TV, internet etc. etc. etc.

I go once per week but I think I will increase this.  I usually have 6:30 PM or later appointments.

I arrive, in yoga gear and usually wait about 5’ish minutes.  Then get into the room with my doctor and update her on what’s happened medical wise during the week.  She asks me about my digestion…ha ha and then I tell her about my diet.  She then leaves the room (I have no idea why) and I hop up on the table.  She comes back in, turns on the heated bed and proceeds to stick me with several needles starting my head and working down.  Last night she put 1 in each foot in between my big toe and second toe.  WOW that was a zinger!  She took it out and put it in a different spot but it still ZINGED!  It gradually went away but she said that was the liver point and relates to stress and an approaching period.  Both of which are happening.

That being said, my stress levels are out of control.  I’ve been having anxiety and pain in my chest from being so worked up.  I want to go to acupuncture more to help me relax, breathe and have a break from all of the worry that is eating me up inside and chipping away at my health, happiness and relationships.  I am so stressed out and don’t know how to stop being this way.

After she is done putting in the needles, she uses a laser on my foot (which has been experiencing severe pain) which has worked miracles!  THey use it for egg retrieval and transfer and say that it helps and a happy usage is also for muscle pain.  Then lowers the lights, puts on some plinky-plonky music, covers my eyes and I zone out for a bit.

Yes, I should go more often!

My endometrial biopsy experience

Today was a day I was counting down towards.

I arrived 5 minutes early for my 3:00 PM appointment.  I am still very emotional going into that place as the abortion clinic is also there where I had the D & C to remove our dead baby back in October.  I felt anxious and on the verge of tears going past the ultrasound room where they confirmed early fetal demise before the D&C.

I met with the doctor and a resident doctor.  They went over my chart and explained the procedure.  The Dr. also mentioned that the one blood test I was waiting results for came back negative so that’s a positive (scuse the pun)

They then drew a curtain, left the room – side note, I always wonder why they do this – so I could strip from the waist down and hop onto the table and into the stirrups.  They both came back, washed their hands and proceeded to get the equipment ready.

They unwrapped the speculum and showed me the catheter tube that would be getting the sample from .

The resident first examined my stomach and then went to the goal end.  I asked for some gel to be put on the speculum as I have pain with insertion.

She put in the speculum and opened my cervix.  She then showed me the swab that she was going to swab my cervix with.  I had period like cramping at this point.  My heart was pounding a bit and I did my best to relax with deep breathing and trying not to tighten my stomach and lower pelvis area.

She then instructed me to cough deeply and inserted the catheter.  This pin pricked hurt a bit and I felt menstrual like cramps.  She removed the catheter and the doctor examined it to see if there was enough tissue.  I feverishly hoped that there was as I didn’t want to have another attempt happen.  Thankfully there was enough tissue and she removed the speculum and I immediately felt a sense of relief.  I had period cramps, a bloated feeling and general soreness.

They were very kind and told me if at any time I wanted to stop to please let them know.  I said, I’d rather just get it over with and I’d lie back and think of England.

It’s now 7:46 and I can still feel the cramps and my stomach is still quite bloated.  I am fairly sleepy from the drugs that I took to help with the anxiety.

My husband was a star and looked after me.  We picked up yummy cinnamon buns (uh, not exactly on point behaviour according to my last post but rules were made to be broken?  I’d also had a salad and apple, beet, carrot fresh squeezed juice.  He then made me a lovely dinner and I’ve been in my pj’s watching TV.

Once I got home I tortured myself by watching the first 30 minutes of UP! as it had been on my mind ever since Brooke’s post.