What scares you the most?

The latest fear I’m working to over come is the thought of living child free.  The one thing I keep thinking about is who will put me in a home when I’m old and who will visit me.

I have some elderly aunts, two of which never married.  They are reaching the end of their lives and when I think about it I get uncomfortable.  How selfish is that?  They living another country far away otherwise I would visit more often.

I vacillate between being grateful for having no children (see exhibit A) which has also allowed me some career success and greater freedom of movement and then to feeling extremely broody and thinking I may be missing out on raising some fantastic children and growing and developing a family that I wish I had.  I often think the one relationship that I’m craving and searching for is the one between mother and child/ren.

2012 was a painful year.  One with many bumps, changes and lots of challenges.  I feel like I’m emerging from a crazy rollercoaster and now ready for some peace along a slow meandering river.  I knew at the beginning of 2012 that it would be one of change and I deliberately kicked it off by dyeing my hair blonde.  It seemed a small thing but I knew that the year was going to be crazy.  And it was.

2013 I am hoping for peace, love and smooth sailings.  I am searching for a safe harbour and less stress in my life.  I want to avoid toxic environments and stale waters.  I want to bring more harmony, love and peace to others around me and in turn replenish my own source.  I hope for great things but most of all I hope for peace.

Happy new year to you and your loved ones.  I wish you all the very best for 2013.

Caribbean cruise - Exhibit A

Caribbean cruise – Exhibit A


I’m not myself anymore

and I don’t know where I went

I am still waiting to hear of my blood test results regarding lupus anti-coagulant.  If it is a positive for the second time the Dr. at the RPL clinic has said I should go on heparin if I do manage to get pregnant. However, don’t try to get pregnant yet until we get the results of the blood test.  There goes another cycle.  I’m not monitoring for ovulation this cycle because:

a) I just don’t have it in me

b) I just don’t have it in me

c) I can’t get the energy to test

Realistically, if my lupus anti-coagulant test is negative I’m not sure what to do.  The doctor said to just try again and hope nothing goes wrong.  If it does go wrong, they test the fetus and it’s normal, then they’d put me on heparin.  I hope I don’t have to go through all that however, heparin doesn’t feel like the answer and I’m pretty sure the blood test is going to come back negative and then what…….? IUI again and hope it works?  Do I feel like getting pregnant a fifth time with no clear answers and putting my heart through all that again?

Where did I go?  Where have I gone?  My energy for this is going away.  I haven’t gone to acupuncture, I still drink a cup of coffee, I haven’t changed my diet, I’m not monitoring my temperature, I’ve avoided blogging and reading about infertility for the last 3 weeks.  I’m crawling into my shell and not sure how to come out.  We were watching Amazing Race and they went to Legoland in Denmark and J said, “I wouldn’t want to go there, but I’d take the kids” my heart literally flipped and cracked in my chest and all my tightly held pain came oozing out my fingernails.

What did I do? Made a cup of tea.

Sweet Sixteen

I saw this great post over at Making Babies on the NHS about the “Dear Me – Celebrity Letters article by the Guardian“.  I read through the letters the celebrities wrote and it got me thinking…what would I want a letter from the future me to say?

Dear Jane-Marie:

This is really going to annoy your 16-year-old self but I’m going to quote a piece of advice from Dad….”don’t wish your life away”  He said this to you when you were 15 and wishing you were 16 and could get your driver’s license.  It’s good advice, take it to heart (Dear 35-year-old self, this advice is for you too).

The things that you want to happen will eventually happen.

Don’t worry so much

Kissing boys isn’t the be all end all

Think more about your career, education and what you want out of life.  Go to a main stream school.  Get a degree in something that doesn’t overly limit your career options. 

Save more money

Eat more food so your metabolism doesn’t slow down in your late 20’s

Believe in yourself and your abilities.  Don’t worry so much about what others think.  Choose good quality friends.

Don’t be afraid to try new things

Don’t worry so much, I like you and that’s all that matters

Love yourself.



enraged ambivalence

there’s a post in here somewhere I swear

went to the fertility doctor yesterday. honestly, i don’t even know what to say….

the short story is that i didn’t ovulate this cycle and they couldn’t date my endometrial biopsy test due to the lack of estrogen. may have to retest. our RE says the plan is still to wait for the RPL appointment and get the “all clear” and keep trying…either IUI, superovulation or IVF. roll on november 16th.

On another note, we went to see the Foo Fighters last night….talking about effing fantastic. it was great to go out and just participate in life and be together doing something. who goes to a rock concert on a tuesday night though? working 50-60hours/week is not overly conducive to staying out on a school night past 9 PM. I’m too old for this shit. oh wait, Dave Grohl is 42…yikes. they played a 3 hour set and he did 4 acoustic songs and it was just a really great time. am SO tired

i’ve had a fairly successful week at work which is good but SO tiring as well.

overall, i just don’t know where i’m at or what i want and how that translates into our family

but that’s ok for now because Dave Grohl is a sexy beast.

This is a weird time for me….

….being in limbo.

I’ve also decided that I have a weird relationship with food.  Well, I always knew that I did, I guess I’m just now acknowledging, verbalizing and immortalizing it here.  Here are some of my strange rules:

If something tastes bad or I don’t like it I hate having to count it in my calories.

If I LOVE something I think it should have more calories than it does.  I am sometimes still surprised by the fact that a donut has less calories than a bagel.  Not that I love donuts but..  On this same theme, I now no longer drink fraps from Starbucks etc., and only order skinny lattes or drip coffee—-I was SHOCKED to learn the calories in fraps.  It’s not FOOD it shouldn’t have that many calories

I forget to count juice calories

If I throw up I don’t think I should have to count the crackers and ginger ale in my calories as I eat them to feel better

Have endo, fibromyalgia, IBS and a slightly elevated cholesteral I really really really need to be on point with my food intake.  I’m SO not.  It literally pains me when I don’t eat properly.  I can’t figure out why I can’t get it together.  I feel the same way about exercise.  I feel so much better when I manage to make it to a fitness class – why don’t I go more often.

Some things that have worked for me

Eliminate red meat.  I have managed to do this almost 85% of the time.  I hardly ever eat this even though I adore filet mignon and roast beef

Raw vegetables – I can hardly ever eat these.  Cauliflower especially, this has been totally eliminated, the pain isn’t worth it.  I can still eat a salad/salad ingredients but not too much celery, peppers and brocolli.  Only a few carrot sticks

I love fruit but get an allergic reaction to eating cherries and apples.  I love oranges, mangos, strawberries, raspberries, kiwi fruit, grapes (sometimes), pears except I hate the skin.  Banana only occasionally and usually only in a smoothie.  Otherwise they make me constipated along with too much bread and eggs.

White bread has been almost 90% eliminated.  I hate going out for dinner and they bring the bread basket.  J loves bread so telling them not to bring it out is NOT an option.  I don’t eat a lot of whole wheat bread either as too much can push me over the edge into stomach pain.  On that same vein, pasta has been almost eliminated.  Every now and then I will have whole wheat spaghetti with turkey instead of ground beef.

I can’t handle nuts except for cashews which are way to many calories.  Almonds also give me a strange allergic reaction.

I love shellfish but have learned from my acupuncturist that I really should avoid this.  Fish is still ok and I try to eat this more – it’s tasty and good for me it doesn’t hurt my stomach.  I sometimes like sushi but avoid the soy sauce, wasabi and ginger.

Raw garlic = pain.  I have a love/hate relationship with tzitzaki.  It also makes me SO thirsty and crave sugar.

I love eggs but sometimes the thought of them makes me so grossed out.  Sometimes I eat them a lot and then I’ll go off them for ages.

I’m also trying to remove milk from my diet.  Cheese has been gradually cut back. I have yet to remove chocolate and I’m trying almond milk but it’s disgusting.  I love my morning tea with milk.  Sigh

Things I still need to work on

  • Chocolate
  • Chips
  • Candy
  • Baked goods
  • Lattes
  • Potatoes
  • Sugar
  • Eat more fruit, veggies
  • Drink more water – some days I manage to drink 2 litres.  I keep a jug of water at my desk at work and if I fill it up in the morning I will drink it all throughout the day.  I am amazed at my own laziness of not filling the jug up every morning.  It takes me 30 seconds and some days I just don’t do it because I can’t get myself to the kitchen to fill it up.

If I stay on point I can sneak a few treats in.  If I sneak too many treats in the next one will send me over the edge.  It’s not rocket science, I just need to get it together.

All the foods I shouldn’t eat are a varying shade of brown/beige.  If I eat brightly coloured it makes me happy (obviously NOT skittles).

the destruction and devastation of dreams

I usually live so much in the present that when the past catches up with me it feels like memories that someone else has.  I’ve had a chance to be fairly introspective these past few weeks and I usually look back a bit around my birthday.

My dreams have changed.

Age 16

Get driver’s license

Age 16.5

Get boyfriend, get married, have children (3 to be exact) all before turning 26.

I remember one of my teachers in 1989 when I was aged 13 asking the class how old we’d  be in year 2000.  I did the calculation and figured out that I would be 24; FAR too old to have any fun on New Year’s Eve because I’d be a) old; b) married and c) have children.  HA HA HA

My new dream is maybe 1 child before 40

Dream at age 20-25

Find true love.  Get married.  Have a great job. Travel

Dream at age 27

Plan elopement, move back to Canada, get visa for DH, buy a property.  Figure out when we could have children

Dream at age 30. Figure out when we could have children

Dream at age 31 Figure out when we could have a child

Dream at age 35 Figure out when we could have a child.  Or give up said dream and focus 100% of my energy on my career and find happiness with the new plan.

I really want to have a family.  A close knit circle where we can make our own traditions and DH and I can be a wonderful family together with our children.  I dream about our children coming home from school and hearing about their day.  I think about where they might go for college or what their first haircut would be like.  These wonderful daydreams that take over my thoughts and I sit in bliss thinking about helping them with school work, wondering if they’d like piano lessons or play team sports or what kind of dog we should get.  Then I wake up and wonder why the RPL clinic hasn’t called me back to book my endometrial biopsy and think to myself “does my acupuncture doctor like me or not and she’s totally judging me for having drinks on my birthday” …..”how’s your digestion” she asks me whilst not making eye contact.

Where does depression hurt?  Everywhere.

Yes, my dreams have changed.