What scares you the most?

The latest fear I’m working to over come is the thought of living child free.  The one thing I keep thinking about is who will put me in a home when I’m old and who will visit me.

I have some elderly aunts, two of which never married.  They are reaching the end of their lives and when I think about it I get uncomfortable.  How selfish is that?  They living another country far away otherwise I would visit more often.

I vacillate between being grateful for having no children (see exhibit A) which has also allowed me some career success and greater freedom of movement and then to feeling extremely broody and thinking I may be missing out on raising some fantastic children and growing and developing a family that I wish I had.  I often think the one relationship that I’m craving and searching for is the one between mother and child/ren.

2012 was a painful year.  One with many bumps, changes and lots of challenges.  I feel like I’m emerging from a crazy rollercoaster and now ready for some peace along a slow meandering river.  I knew at the beginning of 2012 that it would be one of change and I deliberately kicked it off by dyeing my hair blonde.  It seemed a small thing but I knew that the year was going to be crazy.  And it was.

2013 I am hoping for peace, love and smooth sailings.  I am searching for a safe harbour and less stress in my life.  I want to avoid toxic environments and stale waters.  I want to bring more harmony, love and peace to others around me and in turn replenish my own source.  I hope for great things but most of all I hope for peace.

Happy new year to you and your loved ones.  I wish you all the very best for 2013.

Caribbean cruise - Exhibit A

Caribbean cruise – Exhibit A


Sweet Sixteen

I saw this great post over at Making Babies on the NHS about the “Dear Me – Celebrity Letters article by the Guardian“.  I read through the letters the celebrities wrote and it got me thinking…what would I want a letter from the future me to say?

Dear Jane-Marie:

This is really going to annoy your 16-year-old self but I’m going to quote a piece of advice from Dad….”don’t wish your life away”  He said this to you when you were 15 and wishing you were 16 and could get your driver’s license.  It’s good advice, take it to heart (Dear 35-year-old self, this advice is for you too).

The things that you want to happen will eventually happen.

Don’t worry so much

Kissing boys isn’t the be all end all

Think more about your career, education and what you want out of life.  Go to a main stream school.  Get a degree in something that doesn’t overly limit your career options. 

Save more money

Eat more food so your metabolism doesn’t slow down in your late 20’s

Believe in yourself and your abilities.  Don’t worry so much about what others think.  Choose good quality friends.

Don’t be afraid to try new things

Don’t worry so much, I like you and that’s all that matters

Love yourself.



It’s official

Acupuncture needles.

Image via Wikipedia

I love acupuncture.  I find it incredibly relaxing and the only time I ever switch off.  I relax for about 45 minutes with no distractions from work, email, phone, worry, TV, internet etc. etc. etc.

I go once per week but I think I will increase this.  I usually have 6:30 PM or later appointments.

I arrive, in yoga gear and usually wait about 5’ish minutes.  Then get into the room with my doctor and update her on what’s happened medical wise during the week.  She asks me about my digestion…ha ha and then I tell her about my diet.  She then leaves the room (I have no idea why) and I hop up on the table.  She comes back in, turns on the heated bed and proceeds to stick me with several needles starting my head and working down.  Last night she put 1 in each foot in between my big toe and second toe.  WOW that was a zinger!  She took it out and put it in a different spot but it still ZINGED!  It gradually went away but she said that was the liver point and relates to stress and an approaching period.  Both of which are happening.

That being said, my stress levels are out of control.  I’ve been having anxiety and pain in my chest from being so worked up.  I want to go to acupuncture more to help me relax, breathe and have a break from all of the worry that is eating me up inside and chipping away at my health, happiness and relationships.  I am so stressed out and don’t know how to stop being this way.

After she is done putting in the needles, she uses a laser on my foot (which has been experiencing severe pain) which has worked miracles!  THey use it for egg retrieval and transfer and say that it helps and a happy usage is also for muscle pain.  Then lowers the lights, puts on some plinky-plonky music, covers my eyes and I zone out for a bit.

Yes, I should go more often!

What have I learned so far in my journey

What have I learned?  What do I remember?  What are my “take-aways” to bring in some of my corporate speak.

Fate/luck/chance/baby dust/God/timing

I don’t subscribe to the whole baby dust/sticky bean thing, those two particular phrases creep me out.  There’s a scientific explanation for what is happening but we may not know always what the particular explanation is at any particular time.  I do not believe for one second that God/or any spiritual deity is “testing” me and that I just need to have enough faith to make it happen.  In fact in makes me outrageously annoyed to hear that even suggested to people that they are being tested for not praying enough, going to church enough etc. etc and that is why God has chosen for them not to receive the desires of their heart this particular month.

The reasons I have yet to get pregnant are explainable in some cases and in others are plain bad luck.  I do subscribe to some sort of chance/timing/luck in that sense.  If I can articulate it, sometimes you can get a bit lucky in terms of who’s in charge of your care, what your hormones happen to do, the timing of certain medical procedures….there’s so many unknowns that even my Dr. has said that some of it just comes down to waiting for that one good egg to come down the right (as in NOT my left) ovary and meet up with a good sperm and then implant in the correct spot and burrow away.

Relationships and finding my voice

My relationship with my husband is of utmost importance to me and I do not want to jeopardize it with anything to the point that I will not sacrifice our relationship and our love for each other to have a family.  If this gets to be too much for us we will have each other and that will be enough.  We will find and create our own happy.

I do not always agree with everybody.  Most of the time I am fairly easy going and agree with the middle of the road majority.  Sometimes I disagree with the majority.  The Facebook incident was an example of something I disagreed with.  I read many eloquent, well thought out responses to the breast cancer meme but the reason I disagreed with some of the sentiment is that it did not strike a chord in me the way it did in so many other bloggers.  I could see how it resonated and even WHY it resonated and some points I most definitely agreed with.  The simple fact for me is that it didn’t really bother me.  There’s a lot that I take with a pinch of salt when it comes to Facebook.  When I first signed up to Facebook I added friends and friends added me willy-nilly.  People I haven’t spoken to in years.  I am now WAY more selective and have removed people that are fairly close friends or people that I talk to frequently.  I find it offensive to hear religious and political views spewed out in a 2 sentence status update with what seems to be very little thought or intelligence.  Or ridiculous comments surrounding celebrities and death notices.  Tacky and tasteless updates?  Delete. 

I did not used to be very open minded.  Along this particular journey and my life to date my mind has been opened to other ways of thinking, different cultures, viewpoints and diversity in my thought process.  Due to my previous closed mindedness and then having the world opened to me, I now need to find out everything for myself.  Blind faith and acceptance just doesn’t cut it anymore.  If someone tells me something and I haven’t learned about it before, I will have to research and find it out for myself!  This has it’s pro’s and con’s and is quite frustrating for DH!!

The one thing I will say is that I find a “group mentality” to be very sinister.  I don’t like the idea of jumping on the bandwagon or having a voice shot down because it doesn’t agree with the vast majority or has something different to say that maybe goes against what other people are slapping you on the back for.  I’ll be the first to admit that I’m extremely defensive when given any sort of criticism but I want to be the kind of person that allows for debate and opinions different to mine expressed and received.   Rooting for the underdog is something my English DH is very familiar with.  Something I have learned from him and something he emulates so easily is “listening to the other side of the story” and “seeing things from other’s perspectives”.  Sadly, this isn’t something I used to do.  I used to be quite black and white.  I have now mellowed and realize that a shortcoming of mine is not being able to see things from other’s perspective.  I am definitely working on this.

I have written before about how other people’s pregnancy announcements don’t always upset me.  I think in general people and myself especially can always be more kind and sensitive to each other and the entire human race!  This maybe spoke to me to be a bit more sensitive about announcing my wedding anniversaries and that showing up in my single friend’s newstream, or complaining about my workload and that showing up in unemployed people’s news streams.  I have taken away from this that I need to watch my words and message and think about what the other person’s frame of reference is so that I am not unintentionally hurting others.

My health care and tending to my garden

I am the only person in charge of my health care.  I need to find my voice and speak up for myself.  This is something I struggle with and need to work on.  I need to be my own advocate.

Acupuncture only has 2 “c’s”.  I did not know this before.

If there is always drama in your life, take a look in the mirror!  Cut out toxic relationships.  I used to want lots and lots of friends.  Now I just want true and authentic people around me and my circle has shrunk quite dramatically.  I have found that people I thought I could usually rely on will have their own problems and baggage and cannot be there for you and, most importantly, I need to find my own solutions.  I need to like myself enough to be okay with being alone with my thoughts and not needing constant stimulation and conversation around me.  This is something I still struggle with.  After work I walk about about 15-20 minutes.  I usually think of a person to call rather than sitting in my own head and destressing from the day.

I live very much in the present.  This has pro’s and con’s too.  I don’t have a very long memory and never hold grudges but it’s hard for me to imagine 3-5 years out and what my life will look like.  I have a very short term memory so I can’t always recall my progress.

Never stop learning!

Being in my 30’s is so much better than my 20’s.  My confidence has grown, my angst has lessened, my abilities have strengthened and my belief in myself has deepened.  I hope I will always be on a quest to improve myself and brighten the lives of those around me.